Why Do folks Cheat?

Posted by Blogger on Monday, August 22, 2011


This year has seen its fair proportion of philanderers within the news - high profile politicians bringing shame to themselves, their families and losing the coveted positions they worked tirelessly to get.

Why would anyone with so much to lose risk it all?

There are a variety of reasons people cheat - seeking novelty, looking for sexual or emotional intimacy, needing a higher level of excitement and variety, feeling lonely, bored or alienated either in general or by the spouse.

In some cases, it may have nothing do with the other partner, but the "cheater" may simply need a higher level of stimulation/thrill than other partner is capable of providing. I treat couples and individuals in my practice, and I have worked with people on both ends of the infidelity - often there was a lack of sexual compatibility to begin with (one partner has different sexual needs with respect to frequency or type of sex play).

Sometimes one partner will state that they got married for reasons which did not include sexual attraction or sexual compatibility as a reason (for emotional/financial security or even common shared interests but not attraction).

People in Power - More Likely to Cheat?

In the case of people in power - they often don't perceive the consequences of their actions. They are by nature risk takers and thrill-seekers; they love the hunt/the chase. They seek anything that increases the dopamine surge in the brain (the chemical in the brain that gets released during pleasure, novelty and excitement). Powerful individuals came to power because of their need to create their own rules. Therefore, they feel free to break them.

Ordinary rules of society don't pertain to them - they feel special, entitled to usurp power rather than wait for it to be given to them. This may include forcing oneself upon another sexually or otherwise.

Being in powerful positions also creates additional opportunities for people to cheat. Their victims may feel powerless, threatened, or in some cases, hopeful that their position will become elevated through their affiliation. Furthermore, there may be numerous enablers- i.e. staffers who don't question the cheating behavior and may be involved in providing/covering up such opportunities for fear of losing their position.

Seek Treatment

It is very tricky and difficult to change one's cheating behavior. There has to be a lot of motivation and insight on one's part. Often the cheater is at risk to lose everything, and sometimes they may only be open to treatment once they have been publically exposed. These individuals need to seek intense therapy - both individual and family therapy. Furthermore, sometimes there might be underlying depression or mental health issues that may need to be treated.

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